My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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