I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Randomize
