What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
two words...techno handjob
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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