Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
