the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize