I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
