I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
