You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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