I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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