he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
