okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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