I want to have your abortion
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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