I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
