Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
