If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
