I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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