How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
