I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
