i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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