Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
