my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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