overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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