theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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