Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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