I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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