Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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