she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
