u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize