Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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