I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
