I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
should my penis look like a turkey
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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