how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
