dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
