Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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