How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
