oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
