I accidentally had phone sex last night
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
