we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
