Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The struggles of a small town man whore
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
