thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Acid is not a monday night drug
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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