I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize