Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
