i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
