life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
