I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
