she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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