I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I've blown a few things in my day
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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