my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i came on her dog
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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