This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
