He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
