I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
