guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
