I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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