if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
