I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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