You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
