I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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