My brain says no but my pants say off.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
