You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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